True love stories never have endings but they have beginnings...  date are yet to be confirmed... 

Learning about Catholic is complicated when you're from the Buddhist family since young. There will be question, where How do I fast? What can be eaten?

It is the Lent Season. It will be my first Lent before Baptism. After much reading and researching, it is life saving that I found this article from another convert, Britanny Ann.

That’s it! While the season of Lent is a 40-day period (46 if you count Sundays) leading up to Easter, you only have to follow the Catholic Lent fasting rules on 8 days total. That’s 2 days of fasting and 8 days of abstaining from meat. Every other day during Lent, you eat like normal. No changes needed.

So, what exactly do we mean by “fasting” and “abstinence?”

During Lent, “fasting” means eating less than usual so that you can devote more time and energy to prayer, reflection, penance, charity (almsgiving), and spiritual growth.

Fasting does not mean you can’t eat anything all day. Rather, you can eat one full meal and two smaller meals throughout the day, as long as your total intake is less than two regular meals. Snacking in between these smaller meals is not allowed.

What is Abstinence During Lent?

During Lent, “abstinence” means choosing not to eat meat or products that contain pieces of meat on certain days of abstinence.

According to the Catholic Lent rules, Catholics 14 years of age and older are required to practice abstinence (no meat) on Ash Wednesday, Fridays during Lent and Good Friday (unless a solemnity falls on one of those days). This doesn’t include all animal products, however.

What Can You Eat During Lent?

Catholics are allowed to eat all of the following foods during Lent:

• Fish 
• Eggs 
• Any Fruits 
• Any Vegetables 
• Dairy products (milk, butter, and yogurt) 
• Any Grains (noodles, breads, and donuts)

What Can’t You Eat During Lent?

Catholics are not allowed to eat the following foods on Ash Wednesday or Fridays during Lent:

• Chicken
• Beef
• Pork
• Ham
• Deer
• Lamb
• Buffalo

Who is Exempt from the Lenten Fasting Rules?

For most people, abstaining from meat and fasting for a few meals according to the Catholic Lent rules really isn’t that much of a sacrifice. For others, however, following the Catholic fasting rules could pose serious health problems. If that’s you, don’t worry.
The Catholic Church does offer plenty of exemptions.
For example, the following people are all exempt from fasting and abstaining during Lent:

• Children
• Anyone age 60 years of age or older
• Pregnant and nursing mothers
• Those who are frail
• Individuals of “unsound mind”
• Manual laborers who need to eat to have the strength to work
• People who cannot fast or abstain for health reasons (diabetes, for example)
• And even guests whose refusal to eat would greatly offend their dinner host!

Frequently Asked Questions Catholic Lent Fasting Rules

1. Do You Fast Everyday During Lent?

Catholics only fast on Ash Wednesday and Good Friday during Lent, not every day. Catholics fast by eating one regular meal and two small meals (that equal less than one regular meal) with no snacks in between. Fasting does not mean no food all day, and fasting is not a requirement if the Friday falls on a Solemnity.

2. Can Catholics Eat Meat on Ash Wednesday?

Catholics do not eat meat on Ash Wednesday, Good Friday, or Fridays during Lent. Instead, they fast and abstain from meat in order to spend more time in prayer or to give more generously to the poor.

3. When Can You Eat Meat During Lent?

Catholics can eat meat on all days during Lent except Ash Wednesday, Good Friday, and Fridays during Lent. Catholics are only required to abstain from meat on these eight days. All the other days (and on all Solemnities), they may eat like normal.

4. Can you Eat Chicken on Fridays During Lent?

Catholics do not eat chicken on Fridays during Lent, Good Friday, or Ash Wednesday. This includes large pieces of chicken, such as chicken wings, chicken casseroles, or chicken legs. However, Catholics can have eggs and liquid chicken broth (without pieces of meat) during Lent (and on all Solemnities).

5. Can You Eat Eggs During Lent?

Catholics can eat eggs during Lent. Because eggs are not the “fleshy” part of the animal, eggs do not count as meat for Lent.

6. Can You Have Dairy Products During Lent?

Catholics can have dairy products during Lent, including milk, yogurt, cheese, and cottage cheese. Animal products are fine. The Catholic fasting rules only require Catholics to avoid the flesh meat of animals, not all animal products or derivatives.

7. Can You Eat Chicken Stock / Beef Broth / Turkey Gravy During Lent?

As a general rule, most Catholics believe you can eat chicken stock, beef broth, turkey gravy, and other similar condiments during Lent, as long as you are only eating the juices from the animals, not the meat (flesh) itself, but not everyone agrees. You will want to ask your local priest for a definitive answer on this one.

8. Can You Eat Fish During Lent?

Catholics can eat fish during Lent. While the reasons are unclear, Catholics do not consider seafood (fish, shrimp, crab, lobster) as meat during Lent. This is why Friday fish fries and clam chowder are so popular on Fridays of Lent!

9. Is Fish Meat? Why Isn’t Fish Considered Meat During Lent?

There are several theories why fish is not considered “meat” according to the Catholic Lent Fasting Rules.
For example, some have suggested that it’s because fish are cold-blooded (while cows and chickens are warm blooded). Others have suggested that it’s due to the fact that fish used to be common, while steaks were rare. Others believe it rule was invented–at least in part–to help the fish economy in the 16th century.

What CAN You Eat on Fridays During Lent?

You can eat a wide variety of simple, meatless meals, such as pancakes, eggs, spaghetti, cheese pizza, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, salad, vegetable soup, fish, shrimp and more. In fact, here’s a list of 50 Easy Lent Recipes You’ll Love to Make.

How much should you know a person before you commit to an eternal "I DO" ?

I was sick with Covid-19 finally, no longer the covid virgin. I have no idea how or when I contacted with a Covid person. Anyway, it was on a Friday night when I could not sleep with very bad coughing and I have been having light cough and aching shoulder for the last two days. I am subject to an interview with a priest in the Church. Precaution, I took the covid test before going to the Church where there might be lots of people the priest will be contacting. And to my "amazement"... it showed Positive!

I took another test for confirmation after shower. True, the test shows it's positive. Though it is not immediate, it took more than 10 minutes to show the second line. Then my quarantine time started... in the room!

Conditions:

1. Cough.
   Coughing very badly with watery phlegm. 
   
   
2. Headache.
   I went to the clinic a week ago for migraine. And it is coming back as I could not sleep for a few days (waking every hour to vomit).
   
   
3. No appetite.
   The throat is aching from the coughing. Everything that was put into the mouth tasted very salty. The taste sense had gone wrong.
   
   
4. Mentally distress.
   I'm stuck in the room with little to no ventilation. I needed fresh air to enter the room but yet, I'm afraid it will spread to the maid. And the maid thought is it  fun, and would want to come near to talk to you without a mask! What kind of stupidity!?
   
   
5. Agitation.
   Everything agitates me, to the point the look of my boyfriend and maid agitates me. Simple request and instructions are not executed.
   
   
6. Disappointment.
   I'm feeling disappointed with the people around me. I don't seem to matter to anyone. I'm stuck at home with two blockhead taking care of me. The maid would just wait around waiting for instructions on what to do. The other blockhead would rather instruct the maid to do the thing instead... Really, I'm grateful for all he'd done, he would get the groceries for me when I'm stuck at home when the maid said there is no groceries. Or get food for me when I wanted something. Medicines when I'm not well. But when the maid is busy cleaning up the raw food and he asked if I wanted papaya. He would instruct the maid to take it out instead of taking it out by himself. I cannot imagine if I am married with kids next time, would he just wait around instead of helping out? 
   
   When I have no appetite, I wanted home cooked food. All he did is round around Cheras to look for food. Even the future mother-in-law or the family couldn't care less. My cousin would buy a sour dough bread and butter to my sister who is also covid positive who is living with the parents-in-law and the husband while I'm here alone these people! My aunt bought the pork for me when I told them I only have chicken and fish in the freezer. I started coughing more when I had fish the whole day and the chicken is a taboo food during cough. 
   
   All I'm eating during my covid quarantine was bread, porridge and outside food (porridge, cheese naan, beef balls noodle). I wanted piping hot food, and all I'm getting is take out food and re-heat on request food. The only home cooked food I got is, iddli on Sunday evening and rasam soup on Tuesday. When I requested the boyfriend to take the maid off, so I could do my own cooking... the request was not granted. Reason: to take care of me.
   ~ F**K, how is she taking care of me? Neither is he taking care of me as well.
   
   It is only during Sunday, he bought food and stayed for a few hours with me at the porch when the viral load is low and 8 days after getting Covid-19 and it would not spread. 

People asked me to pray during the quarantine, for quick recovery. Have personal prayers and create a spiritual relationship with Him. This is hilarious! If He could heal me, or make me better; then He should put some thinking cap to the blockheads. 8 days into the quarantine, and I'm still tested positive! 

I am attending RCIA. However, during the quarantine, it did not help me go closer to Him. But instead, it swayed my trust in Him and withdrawal. I don't feel like wanting to continue to attend the class or church anymore. I'm no longer curious or wanted to know about Christianity. However, I would need to do something about my anger. I am feeling angry on little things. I find it hard to express my anger or my frustration in words without throwing a fist or flaring my temper. This started when the new hired colleague would come to my place and "Excuse Me, I want this... " and another that would come to my table and knock. Not even my boss had done that to me when he wanted to talk to me. Never in my working life that I have someone come and knock on my table! I might be on my earphone, but I'm not blind. 

I just had the urge to drop the maid at the boyfriend's place. Since she likes to clean, there is nothing much to clean in the house anyway and I don't want to talk to her. I needed time to be alone... some personal space without disturbances. I want some quiet time, peace.

It added to my agitation even more, when aunt came to drop off groceries and sister came over to go to the polling station together; what they saw and mentioned to me is not asking if I had anything to eat or am I eating well during my quarantine but instead they are asking me if the maid is eating anything and she had loose weight! What the F**K! How am I suppose to know if she is eating anything. If she decides not to eat anything that is her decision, not mine to make and force her to eat when I'm in quarantine in the room. Excuse me! Am I her mother to look after and making sure she is eating when I'm struggling in the room? Does this makes any sense to anyone who's sick? I'm not sure she is acting on pity or wanting to have attention. Before I'm not well, she is already not eating properly when I'm at work what more now when I'm in the room? If it not because I'm to move out of the house and needed someone to pack up the things in the house, I would have sent her off. 

You may wonder, what about the boyfriend who can help with the packing? NEVER! "The things are all yours, how am I to know what you want and what you don't want?" Doesn't that applies to the maid as well? I'm doing the unpacking myself. So what is this new family going to be? I cannot imagine. And why am I moving to his place when he is not helping to do the unpacking? Shouldn't I just move to my own house where everything in the house is practically all ready?

Things in the his apartment is not ready. Things are not done until I do it. Why? The wardrobe is not ready!! How do you move over when the basic in the bedroom is not ready? Am I to live out of the suitcase? There is no laundry rack to hang the clothes. Everything his mother does for him. His cleaning, laundry, and food. 

I'm not sure if I'm disappointed in others or myself. Or was it that I'm expecting too much from others that I'm disappointed from these expectations. I'm having so much doubt now... with him, with me, with us. I'm disappointed with my parents. I'm probably disappointed in God himself. What am I getting out of all this? A test from Him to test my patience if I had a 'special' kid in the future? I will opt for abortion if I know that I'm carrying a special kid. The world is not a kind world for these special kids, why would I want to bring it to the world to suffer? I may not be God to do miracles and I cannot guarantee that it would be better for the kid. I may be a murderer, nobody will be able to know after you dies. Why do I want to take the risk for it being mistreated and abused? From what I'm looking at and feeling in this world I'm living in, why would I want to bring it to the world which is cruel and inconsiderate? If I do bring it to the world, how can you guarantees that they will be thankful to you for brining it to the world and would it not blame you for bringing it to the world when there is cruelty and mistreatment to the kid? His family to help to look after the kid? Do you think I'm not going to expect something from a family that is unable to care for me to care for my kid if anything should happen. Still, I would still stand to my opinion of "No, Thank You!"

Someone told me, their life got better after going to church. Or when they swayed away from church their life took a down turn until they goes back to church. I've not been going to church all my life. And I'm only going because I'm going on behalf of my dead mother when she couldn't attend even after she got baptised. Does that make any difference to me? Yes, I'm meeting more aunties in the Church. But these are just religious aunties who is telling me how great Jesus is. 

The Late Queen Elizabeth II is laid into her eternal resting place. Quoted as she once said, "Grief is the price we pay for love". 

It is very true, if you do not love the deceased; you will not feel pain and there would be no grief. When you feel the pain and grief; you knew that the deceased had done good to you therefore you feel the pain of losing them. And it is the love you had for them and the lost of there presence with you like how they used to be.

There is so much happening in this two years. Passing of my dad, the loving partner of my mum. Passing of my mum 7 months after the grief of losing her loving partner which escalated her sickness. Passing of Price Phillip; the love of Queen Elizabeth II. 13 months after, Queen Elizabeth II joins shortly. 

On another quote; "Grief never ends... But it changes". The grief you feel of the losing of a loved one will never ends. It only changes the perspective of those who is still living. There is "Later" for the person you love and the things you wanted to do. You will never know when "later" will come. By then, it will be too late when you realize it as time wait for no men.

I always thought I will die before Mummy after Daddy's passing. I prepared everything that is needed to be prepared for my own's passing. My passwords, things to do, eulogy and even picture to be use. Until Mummy's is diagnosed with cancer that all of us is so occupied that I forgot my own's planning. With Mummy now gone to heaven. 

I thought I'll be prepared for her passing as her condition is deteriorating and it is unlike Daddy's which is very sudden and we have no chance to tell him goodbye and we love him. Yet, the separation from them is still very painful.

Looking at my own's plan... my farewell letter to my loved ones including to Mummy is heartbreaking. I just miss her so much that I don't even feel like doing anything; including going to work.

Mummy. I miss you. I love you.

The past post I did on you at the hospital will be the last post while looking at you.

Two days ago, I woke up feeling lost. I stared at the ceiling and reached for my phone. I knew nothing much I could do to make my feeling disappear. 

I clicked on the Facebook. The message that came straight to my face is this:

I started crying reading this. I had hope mummy knows how much we love her. 

I would always wake her up in her sleep in the hospital to give her water. Every now and then, I would call her.. "Mummy!" until she opens her eyes or respond to me then I replied with a smile. "I Love You!" She would reply sleepily "Love You".

Even when she is in the Accident and Emergency Unit on the 23rd February 2022 morning. Even while she is gasping for air with the oxygen mask. I held her hands and told her.. "Mummy, I love you!" she replied "Love You".

I knew you will be worried of me. I'm sorry that I made you promised me not to leave me alone after daddy's passing. I knew you tried to hold on to your promise. Before your last breath. I whispered to her, "Mummy, it's ok. I know you tried to held on to your promise. I will not blame you for breaking the promise. I will forgive you. I don't want to see you in pain. I love you." 

"Do come back to see me, come to my dreams to tell me your stories as you've promised me you'll do. Come to my dreams so that I can still see you."... 

To this day, I have not dreamt of Mummy or did I feel her presence. Is she angry with me or is she unhappy with me for the things I did to her before her last breath?

I MISS YOU SO SO MUCH MUMMY!

I'm SORRY for all the things I did wrong to you.

𓆩♡𓆪

Mummy.

I knew you knows, but I wanted you to know again that we always love you.
I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU.

 As day passes, I get terrified. I do not know when is the last day I'll see and hold mummy. Just like when daddy passed away. 

I'm tearing in between making her live longer and letting her go without pain. There is so much I wanted to do with her. Our trip to Haneda, New Zealand and to Europe. 

Her abdominal seems more bloated now compare to the other day. Ultrasound shows there are fluid in them. The liquid had gone to her lungs and that could be one of the reason which causes her to have difficulties in breathing and was sent to the ICU.

She seems weaker than before going into ICU. She had no strength to talk. She feels nauseated. She doesn't wants to eat. I wanted her to drink the 'cocktail' and yet I'm afraid that it will make her puke. She is very tired... she had been sleeping throughout. 

Daddy! What am to do?? 

I will be very selfish if I wanted to keep mummy alive to see me get weds while she is feeling the discomfort and pain. I just wanted to get her home.

 I was in the hospital with my mum. 

My smarty pants maid tried to clean the aquarium on her own. That is the last of see of my pet fish.

After 3 years in the family, at 1330 you went to heaven, and I didn't get to say goodbye. Now you are gone forever. Like daddy, you went to the next world. Keep him company till we se each other again.

I'm extremely scared...

As Doctor says there is around 6 months to a year to go. Keeping my fingers crossed that it will exceed the time given. Days after my dad's passing, I told her not to abandon me. But having to see her go through this, it is heartbreaking.

As the time ticks, the heart beat faster as day passes. Everyday I wakes up being afraid, that it will be the last I will see my mother. I know I should be positive every morning when I wakes up with. I have mother with me today, and to make the best out of it. I can't help it being afraid that I don't have my mum with me anymore.
As it was a ticking bomb in her, time is passing by quickly. I missed the day when both my parents are around bugging me and nagging me. I can't turn back time.
Every seconds with my mum counts. But having the thought, just paralyse me. I don't know why; but I've been breaking down very much after coming back from the hospital.

"Appreciate and savour every moment you have with your loved ones, for you do not know how long you will be alive." I always tell myself and everyone around me this. But when it really did happened, I am still not prepare for it.

I am still missing the very person that left me a year ago, then another loved one left me while I'm still struggling to get my life sorted out. I am still very unsure to move on from here. I missed them so much that everything in life is no longer an interest to me. The only reason for me to be staying alive now is my mum.

Inspirational Quotes From Apple Co-Founder

Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma—which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.

- Steve Job's Quotes

What is something that you're happy so you learned before it was too late.

I hope you realize, when you have companions, friends and old friends, brothers and sisters, with whom you chat, laugh, talk, sing songs, even talk about little things - Appreciate them because they are the most precious thing you have

Sometimes I feel that I am contradicting myself.

I wanted you to go to 西方极乐世界西方極樂世界 and not stay here for you will be cold and not good for you but at the same time I don't want you to leave and forget us here. It just feel that there is a big part missing. I always complain that you're irritating, but when you're gone it just felt wasn't right.

When a beloved is dying, we are touched to our deepest core. Difficult, painful emotions may rush up, stirring in our hearts. Dying and death become a great challenger, breaking into our lives.

There are many ways to distract ourselves in our everyday life and forget about the ever-present and basic unsatisfactory nature of things. Yet when death enters our home, we are forced to turn to our deepest concerns and feelings. Death can then become our great teacher or messenger, shaking us up from our security, our complacency.

Reflecting on death might be very scary at first but such reflections have the power to change our attitude toward life. One might find that reminding oneself of one’s own mortality helps one to do what is most essential in life. Keeping death in mind also makes it easier to let go of one’s petty grudges towards people with whom one has disagreements.

I may not say this more often than I should. I Love You Daddy Mummy!

Parental love are limitless. We often take their love and care for granted. We often do not take the time to tell them how much we love them. We are too busy chasing the materialistic life hoping to provide the best for them, that we forgotten that they are getting older and may not be there forever. It is not the materialistic things we provide to them, it is the time we could spend with them that matter most.

世界上永不枯竭的愛，是母愛！
世上最動聽的聲音，便是母親的呼喚

They never request for repayment. They love from the heart unconditionally. You were treated as prince and princesses since birth. The moment they are no longer here, one's world tumble down. Once a precious 宝 becomes 草.

為母親念佛，感恩父母的養育之恩，藉著真誠誦念觀世音菩薩聖號，將心底最深的愛與祝福送給母親，希望母親能夠永遠健康長壽，已往生的能得佛光，承佛願力，往生極樂！

On this date in 2014, I held your hand. Both of us are nervous. But, I am so fluttered that I had this handsome man holding me, the one who will be holding my hand for the rest of my life. You sitting by the pillar while waiting for me to get off work. You came to meet me after work. We had dinner and movie, like any ordinary couple would. We watched Neo, 8pm. After that you often came by for lunch with me at the mall.

On this date 22 April 2021. Today, marked the 7th years of us together if we are still holding on to each other... 

A year ago on this date, I joined the new company in Q Sentral. A new beginning for the both of us. To achieve our dreams, our plans, our future... or was it just mine? 

It is also the date, in 2020 we celebrated our 6th year anniversary apart due to the pandemic. Two months later, you left me stranded in the deserted land of depression and pain.

You made this note is because, often times randomly I would ask you when did we meet or when you held my hands. I would be throwing tantrum or being emotional when you forgot the dates. You pretended you forgot, but you made this note.

Thank you for the reminder Bb

~ I still do not have the heart to pack up your things, and our things. I do not know what am I waiting for, but one thing for sure is that you will not be coming back.

有钱不是幸福，幸福是。。。
你累了，有人心疼你
你病了，有人照顾你
你老乐，有人陪伴你

I know money is not everything, I wanted the best for you and for our future. I tried to make as much as I can, I wanted to prove to my parents that you and I, both of us are capable.
I didn't know that doing so you will stop wanting me. I asked you to take me away. But you never did, reasons after reasons.

Or was it just an excuse for you? I believed the 幸福 is true. I wanted to be by your side in your ups and down; when you're sick and unwell; when you're tired and especially when we're both wrinkled and old.

But, when you're down, you rather go for other option instead of to me. I didn't ask for big house or luxury car or even a grand wedding. I just wanted a simple wedding. I didn't ask for carat of diamond ring - just a simple wedding band to make me your MRS is all I asked for. I just wanted you to be by my side and I be at yours.

I looked for reason to forget and move on. Two weeks later, I am back at square one.

我不能忘记我们的一切。
我真的很想念你。

Raining in the morning seems to have very bad effect on me. I thought as time passes, things will be better. But it is not. Every night I will be yearning for him. I got very scared for no apparent reason. I'm not was it because I will be out of his life soon as it already a year soon to the day he asked to break up with me. Or was it because we will be parting ways and there will be no longer for us to be back together no matter what I do to get him. 

I'm no longer his priority, although I never had been. His phone list no longer has my number. I will be blocked and ignored. I'm so scared. It got worse overtime... not better. There will be nights of sleeplessness and will be weeping calling his name.

What can I do? When will the pain go away? 

I promised to be good to you. I did. 

I don't think any of my reasons will make sense to you anymore. When I am preparing to leave everything I have for you, you leave me like a rock.

When you thought you're in a making of a happily ever after. Thing turn sour and the heart is at a lost. Not knowing what to do or where to begin healing. There was no proper closure.

The so-called friend friend conversation. But you're being deleted from his life. What is this so-called friendship is?

And when you're in the midst of healing and self-hate, this person who would not just go away. A bug, a pest which is very much annoying but at the same time is helpful when you needed help.

How do I tell this pursuer to move away while you needed space to heal from the heartbreak? It is unfair to compare and at the same time I do not want to take this person as the replacement of the sour relationship that I'm trying to get out from. How do I tell this person, I wanted him only as a friend. Someone not a boyfriend but not just a best friend. I have lost some friends along the way. I needed to get myself back together before I start killing myself again. I needed time to heal. I needed time to move away from the pain. I wanted to do something for myself. Something I do not having to report to anyone. I am just too tired.

I am already very tired from battling with the emotion so that it will not over power me. I do not want to be at someone's expectation when I am undergoing my stupid emotions. There are so many times that I wanted to be dead, but at the same time the sanity kicks in that says dying is not going to solve anything and it is not going to do me any good at all. Finding all the positive vibes to stay alive. Making myself busy with work and mind working on work instead of thinking all the unnecessary negativity. But who will know the battling I'm going through day in day out? Putting a smile on so that everyone around me will not be worried.

This may be the first Christmas without you by my side. This is something I will have to get used to after so many years. Not only will be Christmas, but many more other occasions ahead. I had expected it when you did not even send me a birthday wish on my birthday.

I may be very angry and hated you so much for the past few weeks. But thinking back, you had brought so much warmth to me. I am going to miss you dearly Darling. But, as we have to be parted. I hope you will be blessed with happiness and peace in the coming years.

郁可唯 Yisa Yu【暖心】

30th September 2020, 11:06

When things are coming to an end. I thought I will be able to let you go after your birthday. But when I saw your post where you have someone celebrating your birthday and so on. I got a panic attack.

I got more pissed off about the whole situation when you spent on the cart during that the time we were apart.

17th December 2020, 11:05

Yesterday, the mark of 6 month. Everything which had me in it was wiped off from your social media. I shows you are ready to move on and the time is up. I had a funny feeling yesterday noon. I'm not sure if you've drive by my house. And it is this funny feeling that I went to check. True enough. I was expecting this to happen anytime. But reality, it hurts more than I thought it would be.

I was holding on to the action plan email. I'm not sure what I'm waiting for or what I'm looking for. I was just hoping that there would be something that I do not have to take this action. But at the same time, I'm scared.

The dream I had many years back is still stuck to the back of my head. I don't want to be the person appraocing your new beau in the future to look for you. That is the same terrified feeling I had all these years, that someone would be approacing me asking about you like in the dream.

I am left with no choice but to move on without a closure to this chapter of my life... always thinking "Am I not enough?", "Why did you do the things you did?". But to you, it was the reverse. I had explained myself. But you would not take my answer. If I had not loved you, cared for you. I would have requested and taken the action I am taking now the moment you walked out. I am not in debt after requesting back the Subaru after I got myself a Myvi. That is double the responsibility and double the committment. Not to forget the home we were building, it is left unattended.

To you, it is just walking out on me for the things you assumed I did. And I left stranded, alone handling all this consequences you put me into.

I'm not sure to "Thank You" for showing me your true self before we had moved on to the next stage of our relationship. Or to say "I'm Sorry" that I have to request back all the things I invested for us. I am a very selfish person. I do not want to share my things with another person, especially those things are invested from the love I have for you, for us. I do not want the another person to enjoy the things as your beau, and while I'm working my ass to pay it off.

I am not sure what is your relationship with your new beau, but please do take my advice for once. This is the last time I will be advising you. Please do communicate with your partner. Be it harsh or difficult. She deserves to know your situation. It is never an easy job go guessing about it, reading your signal and your body language. I know you are talking to her now. Because it is all fresh and exciting. As time passes, you tend to forget this person and you go expressing your frustration and feelings to another person. 

Your new beau may be a friend of your friend. Do bear in mind, news will travel back to her. It will be more hurtful for her to find out the other way. If she is okay with it and it didn't bother her. Then you should be checking if you are with the person who is loving you the way you deserve to be. Every girl wants love and attention from their partner no matter how independent is that woman is. If you can't give her all your full attention and prioritising your partner over your friends. You will risk having history repeating itself over again.

Anyway, I had loved you the way you are. I had supported you all the way I can possibly could. I accepted and choose you over anyone else when you had nothing. We built and grew together. But from time to time. You would give your attention to someone else over me.

What I wanted to say is, Thank You.
Thank you for the time you were in my life.
Thank you for being patience with my temper.
Thank you for not lifting a finger on me when I'm in the wrong.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
You taught me about love, and
Realize how much I'll go all out for the person I love.

Sorry we could not have the ending we dreamt of.
Sorry for I'm not enough for you.
All the very best to you and take care my love.

Sometimes, I wish that I'm dead. Dying is easy for me, but not so to leave behind the one I love. Sometimes, I would wonder, does it matter if I'm no longer around? Would anyone remember me? Everyone have their own life to worry about. Would they even care about mine?

I win? Is relationship a battle of win-lose battle? When I trying to heal my broken heart. You will be there demanding me to do this and behave like that, just so that I 'care' about your well-being. I knew of your anxiety attacks and sleepless nights. I can't bring myself to act, to smile, to talk to you when you're the one which causes the mixed emotions of agitated to anger. I wanted to blame everything on you that is happening to me right now. And yet, you are the one who helped me out in the past when I'm in my downcast.

When you requested for me to help you with your luck activation, I would like to help you do it. But you set the condition that I have to do it wholeheartedly which include not only for the well-wishing that I wanted you to have the luck but to be with you. Sorry, I could not do the later part. I would whole-heartedly wants to wish you the best of luck in getting whatever projects you get hold of. I wanted you to get all the good projects and making profits. I whole-heartedly wish you and your company will be able to expand it wings. But I could not promise you that I would be able to do the second part. Not next week. Not now. Not until the heartbreak heals.

You would said; I did it before previously, I would be able to do it now. Yes, but that is why the heart swayed and bicker through and forth all the whole time and all of us are suffering from it. I do not want to go through it again. You always accused me that I learnt nothing from the past. Have you given me the time to heal and stick to the decision? NO! You would always interfere. Always accusing. Always wants to speed up the process just to get what you wanted. Then you would blame me for 'toying' with you and your emotions.  I wanted the support to heal. But I guess you're the wrong person to go to. It is a mistake that I had that concern for your well-being then, and you're expecting something more from it.

Now, it is the time when I have all the time to think through before I could move on. I want to break all ties with all of you. I wanted to be alone. When I said, "Leave Me Alone"; you take it as a threat. Why can't you understand? The way you handle and settle your emotions is different from mine. You could move on from one relationship to the next within a short period time. It started with a fling, you broke up, I'm having a rough relationship. And you put the blame on me for leading you on. Now, you blame me for making you fall for me. You knew then, I am in a relationship. It is useless pointing fingers now. I would take the blame.

Sorry, I didn't leave anything for you when I'm not around. You have everything, more than what I have. All I could leave for you is the Spiderman plushies and the box of things you gave me. Funny sometimes, almost everything I had with you could fit into the box. It could be more, but when I lost the phone; as you said it was Karma for the thing I did to you. You thought that I had all the memories of him in there. But, instead that is when I lost all the memories I had with you in it. I had no backup on any of it. Everything was in there. Was it destined for me to erase you? Was it a sign to start afresh?

With this new phone, I am suppose to be making new memories. Instead, I'm sitting here feeling miserable and bitter, treating a broken heart - a memories I could not erase. A forever future which does not exist anymore.

You do want to be hidden. I heard you. But when the heart is mending. Stop interfering it. Let it take it's time to heal and move on. Please don't rush me into doing the things you wanted so that you could be pleased. You will be only making it feeling miserable. When it is in miserable state, it will go silent and runaway. You knew better than anyone else as you claimed to be, that this heart will just runaway instead of talking it out.

Just to let you know, I was not treated in way you thought I was treated. Yes, I may have asked you, will you come and pick me up if he ever abandoned me at the roadside. That did not happen. The incident about bawling about how he treated me, calling me names and how I enjoyed it. Nothing happened that night. All I just wanted then was for you to shut up and leave me alone, leave us alone while I talked it with him. You never understand. It is always your way, your sense. Your stubbornness, made it complicated. I wanted you to stay away while I work it out with him. My way of handling may be wrong, but you have to understand that you're the third-party in our relationship. All I wanted then, was for you to take a back-seat. Knowing you are there to support me and let me handle it out myself would me greatly appreciated. Instead, you wouldn't want that. Ended, the heart wanting him more as he doesn't force me to do the thing I do not want to.

It is the same now, when I told you I don't feel like talking. You accused me of being busy with someone else on WeChat. I wanted to look for some old content in the app. My old phone do not have the app. Accusation after accusation. I do not know how much looking at me on the phone will help you calm and rest. But after hanging up, I would stay awake till the wee hours before I could fall asleep with soaking wet pillow. Our needs and understanding had differ. You accused me more, that I wish for you to die instead of helping you. Who will be helping me with this pain I'm having? Could the one who indirectly caused it, will it be the one who could heal it? Threat after threat. Accusation after accusation you throw at me. I do not know what you will do when you could no longer hold it it. I do not know what will happen next. For as all I know now, I just wanted to be alone. Some time for myself to reflect and grieve.  I may sound emotionless and cold; if you need to bring your emotion to the grave that is your choice. I could not help you much when I am in my own emotional breakdown. This grieve and accusation I could tell no one as well. All I can do is to bring it to my grave.

You asked me, why do I have to think about that Nirvana columbarium. All of you have a place to be place or "go-to" when you are dead. I do not have one. I do not want to burden my parents or anyone. I wanted a place where it is near the window, not that I will be there to see the view. But it is also a place where I could see the brightness instead of darkness. It was a RM30k double lot, 2nd from the bottom. I was hoping that I will not be alone even when I'm dead. But since nobody will be with me. At least it could be donated or as a backup for anyone in my family if they need one. Guess the lot had been taken. At least RM8k, I heard from my sister for a single lot. Should be sufficient now.

You have no idea, just now much I am preparing for all these. You said it is difficult for you to die and wanting me to kill you off instead. If I could everything planned out, I think you would be able to see me in me at my funeral. I have everything more or less sorted out. Name nomination are now listed. Funds are prepared. Verbal will are talked to my sister. Only a few more thing, I'm good to go. I guess I will not see you in heaven. I will not be there. There will not be a place there for me. I do not know who will come to my funeral. I am not popular or sociable, I do not lots of friends. Guess it will be a simple one. I'm only worried about my parents. But knowing that both my sisters will be taking care of them and they have enough funds down the road. I do not have much to pass on to them. But it should be able to assist them pay up the car loan, house loan and whatever other loans that I have. Doubt it would be able to cover the home loan, then it is up to the person who is taking over the home to pay up the loan. Moreover, the home is fully furnished. It is just matter of clearing out the unnecessary stuff and it could be rented out, either the whole unit, room or as Airbnb. They are free to do whatever they want with it. If they want to re-decorate it, feel free to do so.

I have nothing to look forward to now.






Sometimes
Chelsea Cutler

Tell me your secrets
I won't repeat them
This tug in my chest makes it hard to get rest
And I think that I'm better off dead
Tell me you mean it, give me your pieces
This hole in my heart makes it hard to restart
And I think that I'm falling apart

God only knows why
It comes and it goes
And gets lost on me
I'm scared that it shows
And I, I'm scared to believe

'Cause I love you, but sometimes, I'd rather die
Than have to feel this way inside

Tell me it's over, at least I'm closer
This weight on my neck makes it hard to connect
And I'm staring at my feet again
I don't think they know it, how bad I'm broken
The colors you see have become lost on me
And I can't find the route of the bleed

God only knows why
It comes and it goes
And gets lost on me
I'm scared that it shows
And I, I'm scared to believe

'Cause I love you, but sometimes, I'd rather die
Than have to feel this way inside

God only knows why
It comes and it goes
And gets lost on me
I'm scared that it shows
And I, I'm scared to believe

'Cause I love you, but sometimes, I'd rather die
Than have to feel this way inside

I remembered you said You'll Never Leave Me. I believed. You proved it.

However, you really went away. I thought I would be fine when you ask for the break-up.
I tried ignoring your text. Now, I keep finding any excuse to text you. You started ignoring me. It hurt so much that you're not replying me anymore. I doesn't matter to you anymore.



Kina - Wish I Was Better

i been calling you up 'cause i'm missing you
i don't even know what i'm gonna do
i say i don't care, that's not the truth
yeah, i'm still in love with you

and i know all your friends, they hate me too
i wish that i was better at the things i do
i say i don't care, that's not the truth
yeah, i'm still not over you

i been calling you up 'cause i'm missing you
i don't even know what i'm gonna do
i say i don't care, that's not the truth
yeah, i'm still in love with you

and i know all your friends, they hate me too
i wish that i was better at the things i do
i say i don't care, that's not the truth
yeah, i'm still not over you

it's been two years since i last saw you
still wish that i run into you
'cause i know that you're still in our hometown
and maybe you never wanna see me
and i understand if you don't want to
but i will never forget you

i been calling you up 'cause i'm missing you
i don't even know what i'm gonna do
i say i don't care, that's not the truth
yeah, i'm still in love with you

and i know all your friends, they hate me too
i wish that i was better at the things i do
i say i don't care, that's not the truth
yeah, i'm still not over you

i been calling you up 'cause i'm missing you
i don't even know what i'm gonna do
i say i don't care, that's not the truth
yeah, i'm still in love with you

[pre-chorus]
too much time in the limelight
gimme your all on the land line
want it so bad but i won't lie
and it just gets worse in the night time
never stays for long
and she's gone in the morning

[chorus]
when you come home
i just got over being less of you
when you leave me
i'm in pieces
maybe it's better if we cut it loose

[refrain]
i don't know how to do this without you
i don't know i don't know don't know
i don't know how to do this without you
i don't know i don't know don't know
i don't know how to do this without you