How much should you know a person before you commit to an eternal "I DO" ?

I was sick with Covid-19 finally, no longer the covid virgin. I have no idea how or when I contacted with a Covid person. Anyway, it was on a Friday night when I could not sleep with very bad coughing and I have been having light cough and aching shoulder for the last two days. I am subject to an interview with a priest in the Church. Precaution, I took the covid test before going to the Church where there might be lots of people the priest will be contacting. And to my "amazement"... it showed Positive!

I took another test for confirmation after shower. True, the test shows it's positive. Though it is not immediate, it took more than 10 minutes to show the second line. Then my quarantine time started... in the room!

Conditions:

1. Cough.
   Coughing very badly with watery phlegm. 
   
   
2. Headache.
   I went to the clinic a week ago for migraine. And it is coming back as I could not sleep for a few days (waking every hour to vomit).
   
   
3. No appetite.
   The throat is aching from the coughing. Everything that was put into the mouth tasted very salty. The taste sense had gone wrong.
   
   
4. Mentally distress.
   I'm stuck in the room with little to no ventilation. I needed fresh air to enter the room but yet, I'm afraid it will spread to the maid. And the maid thought is it  fun, and would want to come near to talk to you without a mask! What kind of stupidity!?
   
   
5. Agitation.
   Everything agitates me, to the point the look of my boyfriend and maid agitates me. Simple request and instructions are not executed.
   
   
6. Disappointment.
   I'm feeling disappointed with the people around me. I don't seem to matter to anyone. I'm stuck at home with two blockhead taking care of me. The maid would just wait around waiting for instructions on what to do. The other blockhead would rather instruct the maid to do the thing instead... Really, I'm grateful for all he'd done, he would get the groceries for me when I'm stuck at home when the maid said there is no groceries. Or get food for me when I wanted something. Medicines when I'm not well. But when the maid is busy cleaning up the raw food and he asked if I wanted papaya. He would instruct the maid to take it out instead of taking it out by himself. I cannot imagine if I am married with kids next time, would he just wait around instead of helping out? 
   
   When I have no appetite, I wanted home cooked food. All he did is round around Cheras to look for food. Even the future mother-in-law or the family couldn't care less. My cousin would buy a sour dough bread and butter to my sister who is also covid positive who is living with the parents-in-law and the husband while I'm here alone these people! My aunt bought the pork for me when I told them I only have chicken and fish in the freezer. I started coughing more when I had fish the whole day and the chicken is a taboo food during cough. 
   
   All I'm eating during my covid quarantine was bread, porridge and outside food (porridge, cheese naan, beef balls noodle). I wanted piping hot food, and all I'm getting is take out food and re-heat on request food. The only home cooked food I got is, iddli on Sunday evening and rasam soup on Tuesday. When I requested the boyfriend to take the maid off, so I could do my own cooking... the request was not granted. Reason: to take care of me.
   ~ F**K, how is she taking care of me? Neither is he taking care of me as well.
   
   It is only during Sunday, he bought food and stayed for a few hours with me at the porch when the viral load is low and 8 days after getting Covid-19 and it would not spread. 

People asked me to pray during the quarantine, for quick recovery. Have personal prayers and create a spiritual relationship with Him. This is hilarious! If He could heal me, or make me better; then He should put some thinking cap to the blockheads. 8 days into the quarantine, and I'm still tested positive! 

I am attending RCIA. However, during the quarantine, it did not help me go closer to Him. But instead, it swayed my trust in Him and withdrawal. I don't feel like wanting to continue to attend the class or church anymore. I'm no longer curious or wanted to know about Christianity. However, I would need to do something about my anger. I am feeling angry on little things. I find it hard to express my anger or my frustration in words without throwing a fist or flaring my temper. This started when the new hired colleague would come to my place and "Excuse Me, I want this... " and another that would come to my table and knock. Not even my boss had done that to me when he wanted to talk to me. Never in my working life that I have someone come and knock on my table! I might be on my earphone, but I'm not blind. 

I just had the urge to drop the maid at the boyfriend's place. Since she likes to clean, there is nothing much to clean in the house anyway and I don't want to talk to her. I needed time to be alone... some personal space without disturbances. I want some quiet time, peace.

It added to my agitation even more, when aunt came to drop off groceries and sister came over to go to the polling station together; what they saw and mentioned to me is not asking if I had anything to eat or am I eating well during my quarantine but instead they are asking me if the maid is eating anything and she had loose weight! What the F**K! How am I suppose to know if she is eating anything. If she decides not to eat anything that is her decision, not mine to make and force her to eat when I'm in quarantine in the room. Excuse me! Am I her mother to look after and making sure she is eating when I'm struggling in the room? Does this makes any sense to anyone who's sick? I'm not sure she is acting on pity or wanting to have attention. Before I'm not well, she is already not eating properly when I'm at work what more now when I'm in the room? If it not because I'm to move out of the house and needed someone to pack up the things in the house, I would have sent her off. 

You may wonder, what about the boyfriend who can help with the packing? NEVER! "The things are all yours, how am I to know what you want and what you don't want?" Doesn't that applies to the maid as well? I'm doing the unpacking myself. So what is this new family going to be? I cannot imagine. And why am I moving to his place when he is not helping to do the unpacking? Shouldn't I just move to my own house where everything in the house is practically all ready?

Things in the his apartment is not ready. Things are not done until I do it. Why? The wardrobe is not ready!! How do you move over when the basic in the bedroom is not ready? Am I to live out of the suitcase? There is no laundry rack to hang the clothes. Everything his mother does for him. His cleaning, laundry, and food. 

I'm not sure if I'm disappointed in others or myself. Or was it that I'm expecting too much from others that I'm disappointed from these expectations. I'm having so much doubt now... with him, with me, with us. I'm disappointed with my parents. I'm probably disappointed in God himself. What am I getting out of all this? A test from Him to test my patience if I had a 'special' kid in the future? I will opt for abortion if I know that I'm carrying a special kid. The world is not a kind world for these special kids, why would I want to bring it to the world to suffer? I may not be God to do miracles and I cannot guarantee that it would be better for the kid. I may be a murderer, nobody will be able to know after you dies. Why do I want to take the risk for it being mistreated and abused? From what I'm looking at and feeling in this world I'm living in, why would I want to bring it to the world which is cruel and inconsiderate? If I do bring it to the world, how can you guarantees that they will be thankful to you for brining it to the world and would it not blame you for bringing it to the world when there is cruelty and mistreatment to the kid? His family to help to look after the kid? Do you think I'm not going to expect something from a family that is unable to care for me to care for my kid if anything should happen. Still, I would still stand to my opinion of "No, Thank You!"

Someone told me, their life got better after going to church. Or when they swayed away from church their life took a down turn until they goes back to church. I've not been going to church all my life. And I'm only going because I'm going on behalf of my dead mother when she couldn't attend even after she got baptised. Does that make any difference to me? Yes, I'm meeting more aunties in the Church. But these are just religious aunties who is telling me how great Jesus is.