Sometimes, I wish that I'm dead. Dying is easy for me, but not so to leave behind the one I love. Sometimes, I would wonder, does it matter if I'm no longer around? Would anyone remember me? Everyone have their own life to worry about. Would they even care about mine?

I win? Is relationship a battle of win-lose battle? When I trying to heal my broken heart. You will be there demanding me to do this and behave like that, just so that I 'care' about your well-being. I knew of your anxiety attacks and sleepless nights. I can't bring myself to act, to smile, to talk to you when you're the one which causes the mixed emotions of agitated to anger. I wanted to blame everything on you that is happening to me right now. And yet, you are the one who helped me out in the past when I'm in my downcast.

When you requested for me to help you with your luck activation, I would like to help you do it. But you set the condition that I have to do it wholeheartedly which include not only for the well-wishing that I wanted you to have the luck but to be with you. Sorry, I could not do the later part. I would whole-heartedly wants to wish you the best of luck in getting whatever projects you get hold of. I wanted you to get all the good projects and making profits. I whole-heartedly wish you and your company will be able to expand it wings. But I could not promise you that I would be able to do the second part. Not next week. Not now. Not until the heartbreak heals.

You would said; I did it before previously, I would be able to do it now. Yes, but that is why the heart swayed and bicker through and forth all the whole time and all of us are suffering from it. I do not want to go through it again. You always accused me that I learnt nothing from the past. Have you given me the time to heal and stick to the decision? NO! You would always interfere. Always accusing. Always wants to speed up the process just to get what you wanted. Then you would blame me for 'toying' with you and your emotions.  I wanted the support to heal. But I guess you're the wrong person to go to. It is a mistake that I had that concern for your well-being then, and you're expecting something more from it.

Now, it is the time when I have all the time to think through before I could move on. I want to break all ties with all of you. I wanted to be alone. When I said, "Leave Me Alone"; you take it as a threat. Why can't you understand? The way you handle and settle your emotions is different from mine. You could move on from one relationship to the next within a short period time. It started with a fling, you broke up, I'm having a rough relationship. And you put the blame on me for leading you on. Now, you blame me for making you fall for me. You knew then, I am in a relationship. It is useless pointing fingers now. I would take the blame.

Sorry, I didn't leave anything for you when I'm not around. You have everything, more than what I have. All I could leave for you is the Spiderman plushies and the box of things you gave me. Funny sometimes, almost everything I had with you could fit into the box. It could be more, but when I lost the phone; as you said it was Karma for the thing I did to you. You thought that I had all the memories of him in there. But, instead that is when I lost all the memories I had with you in it. I had no backup on any of it. Everything was in there. Was it destined for me to erase you? Was it a sign to start afresh?

With this new phone, I am suppose to be making new memories. Instead, I'm sitting here feeling miserable and bitter, treating a broken heart - a memories I could not erase. A forever future which does not exist anymore.

You do want to be hidden. I heard you. But when the heart is mending. Stop interfering it. Let it take it's time to heal and move on. Please don't rush me into doing the things you wanted so that you could be pleased. You will be only making it feeling miserable. When it is in miserable state, it will go silent and runaway. You knew better than anyone else as you claimed to be, that this heart will just runaway instead of talking it out.

Just to let you know, I was not treated in way you thought I was treated. Yes, I may have asked you, will you come and pick me up if he ever abandoned me at the roadside. That did not happen. The incident about bawling about how he treated me, calling me names and how I enjoyed it. Nothing happened that night. All I just wanted then was for you to shut up and leave me alone, leave us alone while I talked it with him. You never understand. It is always your way, your sense. Your stubbornness, made it complicated. I wanted you to stay away while I work it out with him. My way of handling may be wrong, but you have to understand that you're the third-party in our relationship. All I wanted then, was for you to take a back-seat. Knowing you are there to support me and let me handle it out myself would me greatly appreciated. Instead, you wouldn't want that. Ended, the heart wanting him more as he doesn't force me to do the thing I do not want to.

It is the same now, when I told you I don't feel like talking. You accused me of being busy with someone else on WeChat. I wanted to look for some old content in the app. My old phone do not have the app. Accusation after accusation. I do not know how much looking at me on the phone will help you calm and rest. But after hanging up, I would stay awake till the wee hours before I could fall asleep with soaking wet pillow. Our needs and understanding had differ. You accused me more, that I wish for you to die instead of helping you. Who will be helping me with this pain I'm having? Could the one who indirectly caused it, will it be the one who could heal it? Threat after threat. Accusation after accusation you throw at me. I do not know what you will do when you could no longer hold it it. I do not know what will happen next. For as all I know now, I just wanted to be alone. Some time for myself to reflect and grieve.  I may sound emotionless and cold; if you need to bring your emotion to the grave that is your choice. I could not help you much when I am in my own emotional breakdown. This grieve and accusation I could tell no one as well. All I can do is to bring it to my grave.

You asked me, why do I have to think about that Nirvana columbarium. All of you have a place to be place or "go-to" when you are dead. I do not have one. I do not want to burden my parents or anyone. I wanted a place where it is near the window, not that I will be there to see the view. But it is also a place where I could see the brightness instead of darkness. It was a RM30k double lot, 2nd from the bottom. I was hoping that I will not be alone even when I'm dead. But since nobody will be with me. At least it could be donated or as a backup for anyone in my family if they need one. Guess the lot had been taken. At least RM8k, I heard from my sister for a single lot. Should be sufficient now.

You have no idea, just now much I am preparing for all these. You said it is difficult for you to die and wanting me to kill you off instead. If I could everything planned out, I think you would be able to see me in me at my funeral. I have everything more or less sorted out. Name nomination are now listed. Funds are prepared. Verbal will are talked to my sister. Only a few more thing, I'm good to go. I guess I will not see you in heaven. I will not be there. There will not be a place there for me. I do not know who will come to my funeral. I am not popular or sociable, I do not lots of friends. Guess it will be a simple one. I'm only worried about my parents. But knowing that both my sisters will be taking care of them and they have enough funds down the road. I do not have much to pass on to them. But it should be able to assist them pay up the car loan, house loan and whatever other loans that I have. Doubt it would be able to cover the home loan, then it is up to the person who is taking over the home to pay up the loan. Moreover, the home is fully furnished. It is just matter of clearing out the unnecessary stuff and it could be rented out, either the whole unit, room or as Airbnb. They are free to do whatever they want with it. If they want to re-decorate it, feel free to do so.

I have nothing to look forward to now.






Sometimes
Chelsea Cutler

Tell me your secrets
I won't repeat them
This tug in my chest makes it hard to get rest
And I think that I'm better off dead
Tell me you mean it, give me your pieces
This hole in my heart makes it hard to restart
And I think that I'm falling apart

God only knows why
It comes and it goes
And gets lost on me
I'm scared that it shows
And I, I'm scared to believe

'Cause I love you, but sometimes, I'd rather die
Than have to feel this way inside

Tell me it's over, at least I'm closer
This weight on my neck makes it hard to connect
And I'm staring at my feet again
I don't think they know it, how bad I'm broken
The colors you see have become lost on me
And I can't find the route of the bleed

God only knows why
It comes and it goes
And gets lost on me
I'm scared that it shows
And I, I'm scared to believe

'Cause I love you, but sometimes, I'd rather die
Than have to feel this way inside

God only knows why
It comes and it goes
And gets lost on me
I'm scared that it shows
And I, I'm scared to believe

'Cause I love you, but sometimes, I'd rather die
Than have to feel this way inside