This may be the first Christmas without you by my side. This is something I will have to get used to after so many years. Not only will be Christmas, but many more other occasions ahead. I had expected it when you did not even send me a birthday wish on my birthday.

I may be very angry and hated you so much for the past few weeks. But thinking back, you had brought so much warmth to me. I am going to miss you dearly Darling. But, as we have to be parted. I hope you will be blessed with happiness and peace in the coming years.

郁可唯 Yisa Yu【暖心】

30th September 2020, 11:06

When things are coming to an end. I thought I will be able to let you go after your birthday. But when I saw your post where you have someone celebrating your birthday and so on. I got a panic attack.

I got more pissed off about the whole situation when you spent on the cart during that the time we were apart.

17th December 2020, 11:05

Yesterday, the mark of 6 month. Everything which had me in it was wiped off from your social media. I shows you are ready to move on and the time is up. I had a funny feeling yesterday noon. I'm not sure if you've drive by my house. And it is this funny feeling that I went to check. True enough. I was expecting this to happen anytime. But reality, it hurts more than I thought it would be.

I was holding on to the action plan email. I'm not sure what I'm waiting for or what I'm looking for. I was just hoping that there would be something that I do not have to take this action. But at the same time, I'm scared.

The dream I had many years back is still stuck to the back of my head. I don't want to be the person appraocing your new beau in the future to look for you. That is the same terrified feeling I had all these years, that someone would be approacing me asking about you like in the dream.

I am left with no choice but to move on without a closure to this chapter of my life... always thinking "Am I not enough?", "Why did you do the things you did?". But to you, it was the reverse. I had explained myself. But you would not take my answer. If I had not loved you, cared for you. I would have requested and taken the action I am taking now the moment you walked out. I am not in debt after requesting back the Subaru after I got myself a Myvi. That is double the responsibility and double the committment. Not to forget the home we were building, it is left unattended.

To you, it is just walking out on me for the things you assumed I did. And I left stranded, alone handling all this consequences you put me into.

I'm not sure to "Thank You" for showing me your true self before we had moved on to the next stage of our relationship. Or to say "I'm Sorry" that I have to request back all the things I invested for us. I am a very selfish person. I do not want to share my things with another person, especially those things are invested from the love I have for you, for us. I do not want the another person to enjoy the things as your beau, and while I'm working my ass to pay it off.

I am not sure what is your relationship with your new beau, but please do take my advice for once. This is the last time I will be advising you. Please do communicate with your partner. Be it harsh or difficult. She deserves to know your situation. It is never an easy job go guessing about it, reading your signal and your body language. I know you are talking to her now. Because it is all fresh and exciting. As time passes, you tend to forget this person and you go expressing your frustration and feelings to another person. 

Your new beau may be a friend of your friend. Do bear in mind, news will travel back to her. It will be more hurtful for her to find out the other way. If she is okay with it and it didn't bother her. Then you should be checking if you are with the person who is loving you the way you deserve to be. Every girl wants love and attention from their partner no matter how independent is that woman is. If you can't give her all your full attention and prioritising your partner over your friends. You will risk having history repeating itself over again.

Anyway, I had loved you the way you are. I had supported you all the way I can possibly could. I accepted and choose you over anyone else when you had nothing. We built and grew together. But from time to time. You would give your attention to someone else over me.

What I wanted to say is, Thank You.
Thank you for the time you were in my life.
Thank you for being patience with my temper.
Thank you for not lifting a finger on me when I'm in the wrong.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
You taught me about love, and
Realize how much I'll go all out for the person I love.

Sorry we could not have the ending we dreamt of.
Sorry for I'm not enough for you.
All the very best to you and take care my love.

At some point in our life, we are really forced to let go of people, and it's not because we don't love them anymore, but because we already do not have enough courage to continue fighting for them when all they have to give in return was pain... the pain I caused. 

He walked away. Leaving me when I needed him the most. The support, the understanding, the love. One mistake, lead us to parting way. 

It's not about asking for our efforts to be reciprocated, but because we also deserve to receive the same amount of love we offer them. And it hurts. It hurts knowing that after all these letting go, no one ever tried to fight their place in our heart, and they just continue walking away—leaving us just like that, and forcing us to let them go like we have no choice anymore. All the things we did are no longer important.

Ysabelle - I Liked You So Much, We Lost It
Lyrics : [I Like You So Much, We Lost It - Ysabelle]

I like your eyes you looked away
when you pretended to care.
I like the dimples on the corners
of the smile that you wear.
You wore them more with her
I knew and I was scared
I let myself fall deeper
but I was prepared

I liked your shirt, the one I gave you
Can't forget how you smell
But now on different shoulders hang
The jacket I used to wear

I loved you for so long
Sometimes it's hard to bear
But after all this time
I wish you well from here

I loved you every minute, every second
I loved you everywhere and any moment
Always and forever was just
For a moment 'cause
I was not the one
I don't know how

I loved you til the last of snow disappeared
Missed you on the rainy days of the year
Never knew of pain like this
But I've got to know
Thought I loved you so
Why did you go?

I hate the way you let us go
Like it was all just nothing
I hate the way you hit the notes
But not the words I'm saying

I hate the little things
Like when I'm unaware
I still remember how
We broke so perfectly

Though sometimes when
Life brings me down
Time can heal my heart
Through the bad rainy days
I know that I will be okay

I loved you every minute, every second
loved you even if it was fow a moment
Always and forever can wait
For the time because
You were not the one
I know that now

In a world still full of life, I see color
in a bit of time cause we deserve better
Always and forever when the right one comes because

Part of loving you is letting go

Part of loving you was letting go

It would have been a long love journey if we've been still together to-date. We've known each other inside out, we've grown so much together. We've seen each other being fat and ugly to slim and fit. We've found each other's weaknesses and strength. We've encouraged each other to pursue the dream.

Everyday is a battle especially when night fall. Looking at the clock ticking away the minute, never a day passes by without looking at old memories. You have no idea how fast my heat beats when I see you online. I wanted to text you, to call you.. but I am so so so afraid that you will ignore me or just goes offline.

I'm not sure if I should stop hoping that you'll appear at my door, or to hear your voice again. I've started to give up hope. I'm in a lost not knowing what to do with the place we call home. I do not if I should continue the work where we left off. Wanting you to be part of my every achievement ends up in disappointment. I do not know if I should stop waiting, time is ticking. I could not reach anywhere with this state. Knowing my life plans would not be achieved now. But I do not want to be waiting in despair when I could have a glimpse of hope in the remaining plans. 

You said "Forever". I believed. I miss the time we wash up my apartment. Spending time together to get our "future home" ready. But nothing last forever. Things changed. I still miss you and I still love you.



I miss you, I’m sorry
Gracie Abram:

[Verse 1]
Do you remember happy together?
I do, don't you?
Then all of a sudden, you're sick to your stomach
Is that still true?

[Chorus]
You said, "forever," in the end I fought it
Please be honest, are we better for it?
Thought you'd hate me, but instead you called
And said, "I miss you"
I caught it

[Verse 2]
Good to each other, give it the summer
I knew, you too
But I only saw you once in December
I'm still confused

[Chorus]
You said, "forever," and I almost bought it
I miss fighting in your old apartment
Breaking dishes when you're disappointed
I still love you, I promise
Nothing happened in the way I wanted
Every corner of this house is haunted
And I know you said that we're not talking
But I miss you, I'm sorry

[Outro]
I don't wanna go, think I'll make it worse
Everything I know brings me back to us
I don't wanna go, we've been here before
Everywhere I go leads me back to you
I don't wanna go, think I'll make it worse
(You said, "forever," and I almost bought it)
Everything I know brings me back to us
(I miss fighting in your old apartment)
I don't wanna go, we've been here before
(Breaking dishes when you're disappointed)
Everywhere I go leads me back to you
(I still love you, I promise)
I don't wanna go, think I'll make it worse
(Nothing happened in the way I wanted)
Everything I know brings me back to us
(Every corner of this house is haunted)
I don't wanna go, we've been here before
(And I know you said that we're not talking)
Everywhere I go leads me back to you
(But I miss you)
I don't wanna go, think I'll make it worse
Everything I know brings me back to us
I don't wanna go, we've been here before
Everywhere I go leads me back to you

I remembered you said You'll Never Leave Me. I believed. You proved it.

However, you really went away. I thought I would be fine when you ask for the break-up.
I tried ignoring your text. Now, I keep finding any excuse to text you. You started ignoring me. It hurt so much that you're not replying me anymore. I doesn't matter to you anymore.



Kina - Wish I Was Better

i been calling you up 'cause i'm missing you
i don't even know what i'm gonna do
i say i don't care, that's not the truth
yeah, i'm still in love with you

and i know all your friends, they hate me too
i wish that i was better at the things i do
i say i don't care, that's not the truth
yeah, i'm still not over you

i been calling you up 'cause i'm missing you
i don't even know what i'm gonna do
i say i don't care, that's not the truth
yeah, i'm still in love with you

and i know all your friends, they hate me too
i wish that i was better at the things i do
i say i don't care, that's not the truth
yeah, i'm still not over you

it's been two years since i last saw you
still wish that i run into you
'cause i know that you're still in our hometown
and maybe you never wanna see me
and i understand if you don't want to
but i will never forget you

i been calling you up 'cause i'm missing you
i don't even know what i'm gonna do
i say i don't care, that's not the truth
yeah, i'm still in love with you

and i know all your friends, they hate me too
i wish that i was better at the things i do
i say i don't care, that's not the truth
yeah, i'm still not over you

i been calling you up 'cause i'm missing you
i don't even know what i'm gonna do
i say i don't care, that's not the truth
yeah, i'm still in love with you

[pre-chorus]
too much time in the limelight
gimme your all on the land line
want it so bad but i won't lie
and it just gets worse in the night time
never stays for long
and she's gone in the morning

[chorus]
when you come home
i just got over being less of you
when you leave me
i'm in pieces
maybe it's better if we cut it loose

[refrain]
i don't know how to do this without you
i don't know i don't know don't know
i don't know how to do this without you
i don't know i don't know don't know
i don't know how to do this without you

Every heartbreak tells a story. These story will shape you to who you are today and how you will be in the future. In heartbreak it may be time for you to find yourself.



In love you are so vulnerable.


You felt that it is over, but you're still holding on. You become unsure of your decision but you held on so tightly for it to slip away.

Every now and then you wished you could turn back time and things would work in another way.

How I wish I could say "You and Me". Torn between two. I wish I could tell them to see themselves from my eye. I really do not mean to hurt them both with this fire I played.

Relationship is truly a two man team. Without one, you're not in a relationship. More than two will be heartbreak and pain.




James TW – You & Me

I didn't mean to hurt you
So why'd I let you walk out the door?
You said that you don't know me
You don't know who I am anymore
But if you knew the truth, then
Then you wouldn't feel insecure
'Cause if I didn't have you
I wouldn't have nothing at all

I wish you could see yourself through my eyes
I always forget that you can't read my mind

As long as I got you and me
Moving through this world as a two man team
I'll always have everything I need
You don't even realise what you mean
No one could fall for you quite like me
No one could get me so perfectly
You don't even realise
You're all that I need
'Cause I want you and me, you and me

I know one day we'll look back
Stories on the tip of our tongues
A library full of pages
Remembering when we fell in love
All of the broken hearts and the stupid mistakes
Have got us to where we are, it was worth all the pain
Yeah, we'll look back
We'll look back and laugh

As long as I got you and me
Moving through this world as a two man team
I'll always have everything I need
You don't even realise what you mean
No one could fall for you quite like me
No one could get me so perfectly
You don't even realise
You're all that I need

'Cause I want you, you, you
Me, me, me, together
Oh, I want you, you, you
Me, me, me, forever (Oooohh)
You and me, you and me (Oooohh)
You and me, you and me (Oooohh)
You and me, you and me (Oooohh)
You and me, you and me

As long as I got you and me
Moving through this world as a two man team
I'll always have everything I need
You don't even realise what you mean (Oooohh)
No one could fall for you quite like me (Oooohh)
No one could get me so perfectly (Oooohh)
You don't even realise (Oooohh)
You're all that I need

'Cause I want you, you, you
And me, me, me, together
(You and me, you and me)
Oh, I want you, you, you
And me, me, me, forever
(You and me, you and me)

Oooohh (x3)
Oh oh oh

I'm in a spaceship to nowhere. If only I know when the journey would end and where is the destination. I am causing misery and loneliness to everyone around me. I am just an empty shell now. I want to clean the thought. Clean the mess. Clean the soul. A reset button to clean the shit out.

I needed somewhere to let go of all this. Who would understand? There is no words that could come out explaining what I feel or the actions. I don't know why I am even doing this. What am I doing?

If only I can explain. I thought I knew the answer. I thought I did. But in the end I am lying to myself. I ended up hurting everyone including myself. What is the use of the shell here when the mind and soul is not with the shell.

It is one month into misery. Am I doing it right? Am I playing with emotions again? Am I lying to myself?

---

• SHY Martin – Spaceship Lyrics

I've been running on these old emotions
I know you're looking for something and I don't wanna stop you
Try to fix the pile of things that's broken
Our bedroom is on fire now and you don't even notice

Where do you go when you're right next to me
'Cause you're next to me, but it's so lonely
I'm feeling so numb, 'cause this shit gets to me now

You've been on your spaceship
Working on your mindset
I've been down here waiting for you
And you've been falling into pieces
I've been tryna save
But I'm running out of ways to love you

Where do you go when you're right next to me
'Cause you're next to me, but it's so lonely now
You've been on your spaceship
Working on your mindset
I've been down here waiting for you

Missing all our stupid conversations
Sitting on the kitchen floor, so high we couldn't make sense
Missing all our simple celebrations
A part of me don't wanna leave these moments back in past tense

Where do you go when you're right next to me
'Cause you're next to me, but it's so lonely
I'm feeling so numb, 'cause this shit gets to me now

You've been on your spaceship
Working on your mindset
I've been down here waiting for you
And you’ve been falling into pieces
I've been tryna save
But I'm running out of ways to love you

Where do you go when you're right next to me
'Cause you're next to me but it's so lonely now
You've been on your spaceship
Working on your mindset
I've been down here waiting for you

How much more can I hold on? I wanted to move on, move forward. Can I do that? I wanted so much to have both of them in my life. While I can only have one. I have dragged the whole scenario a very long time. Who else would understand yourself better other than yourself? I can tell you frankly, I don't. I don't even know what I wanted now. I am so tired. I have been tired. Mentally. Not physically. I can still work and go on with my everyday life. But mentally I am so tired. I wanted a way out. I wanted to go away. I wanted to leave all... BUT I CAN'T!



• Emilie Brandt – Hold On

I drink it up, it's never enough
To wash the pain away and I don't know who to trust
You’ll be ok, that's what they say
Sometimes I feel like laying down and not getting up
I think I've had enough
Even diamonds turn to dust
There's a void in my heart where there used to be love

Do I bend or break?
Don't know what I can take
But I feel like holding on
There's a light in me, though it's hard to see
I'll let it burn until it's gone
I feel like holding on

I live to please, but this life's diseased
Why does it feel so wrong?
They tell me to be strong
I hold on for so long, refusing to let go
Because I know now that I'm down
To watch it all unfold, it's never enough
Even diamonds turn to dust
There's a void in my heart where there used to be love

Do I bend or break?
Don't know what I can take
But I feel like holding on
There's a light in me, though it's hard to see
I'll let it burn until it's gone
I feel like holding on

I feel like holding on

Do I bend or break?
Don't know what I can take
But I feel like holding on
There's a light in me, though it's hard to see
I'll let it burn until it's gone
I feel like holding on

I trust and hope that you'll have a better life after moving forward. I will silently hold on to you in my heart, After all, we once did love so deeply.

This was once sent to me before we decided to give it a try once more. Now I am dedicating this song to the one that I walked away. I do not hope to get his blessing. But I wanted him to be happy moving forward in life.




六哲 - 毕竟深爱过
Liu Zhe - Bijing Shen Aiguo


你坚持着说要走，说他比我要温柔
Nǐ jiānchízhe shuō yào zǒu, shuō tā bǐ wǒ yào wēnróu

我明白你的追求，终于安静放了手
Wǒ míngbái nǐ de zhuīqiú, zhōngyú ānjìng fàngle shǒu

情歌听多了难受，仿佛在揪着伤口
Qínggē tīng duōle nánshòu, fǎngfú zài jiūzhe shāngkǒu

夜里单思的守候， 眼泪在为你颤抖
Yèlǐ dān sī de shǒuhòu, yǎnlèi zài wèi nǐ chàndǒu


想继续来证明这不是场游戏
Xiǎng jìxù lái zhèngmíng zhè bùshì chǎng yóuxì

却被抗拒怎么都是多余
Què bèi kàngjù zěnme dōu shì duōyú

我如何面对自己
Wǒ rúhé miànduì zìjǐ


你走进我生命却又转身离去
Nǐ zǒujìn wǒ shēngmìng què yòu zhuǎnshēn lí qù

爱不可能由一个人进行
Ài bù kěnéng yóu yīgè rén jinxing

我接受你的决定
Wǒ jiēshòu nǐ de juédìng


希望你以后不会后悔没选择我
Xīwàng nǐ yǐhòu bù huì hòuhuǐ méi xuǎnzé wǒ

也相信你有更好的生活
Yě xiāngxìn nǐ yǒu gèng hǎo de shēnghuó

我会在心里默默地为你而执着
Wǒ huì zài xīnlǐ mòmò dì wéi nǐ ér zhízhuó

毕竟我们也曾深爱过
Bìjìng wǒmen yě céng shēn àiguò


想继续来证明这不是场游戏
Xiǎng jìxù lái zhèngmíng zhè bùshì chǎng yóuxì

却被抗拒怎么都是多余
Què bèi kàngjù zěnme dōu shì duōyú

我如何面对自己
Wǒ rúhé miànduì zìjǐ


你走进我生命却又转身离去
Nǐ zǒujìn wǒ shēngmìng què yòu zhuǎnshēn lí qù

爱不可能由一个人进行
Ài bù kěnéng yóu yīgè rén jinxing

我接受你的决定
Wǒ jiēshòu nǐ de juédìng


希望你以后不会后悔没选择我
Xīwàng nǐ yǐhòu bù huì hòuhuǐ méi xuǎnzé wǒ

也相信你有更好的生活
Yě xiāngxìn nǐ yǒu gèng hǎo de shēnghuó

我会在心里默默地为你而执着
Wǒ huì zài xīnlǐ mòmò dì wéi nǐ ér zhízhuó

毕竟我们也曾深爱过
Bìjìng wǒmen yě céng shēn àiguò


希望你以后不会后悔没选择我
Xīwàng nǐ yǐhòu bù huì hòuhuǐ méi xuǎnzé wǒ

也相信你有更好的生活
Yě xiāngxìn nǐ yǒu gèng hǎo de shēnghuó

我会在心里默默地为你而执着
Wǒ huì zài xīnlǐ mòmò dì wéi nǐ ér zhízhuó

毕竟我们也曾深爱过
Bìjìng wǒmen yě céng shēn àiguò


你坚持着说要走，说他比我要温柔
Nǐ jiānchízhe shuō yào zǒu, shuō tā bǐ wǒ yào wēnróu

我明白你的追求，终于安静放了手
Wǒ míngbái nǐ de zhuīqiú, zhōngyú ānjìng fàngle shǒu

---

Translation

We Once Did Love After All

You insist in saying you want to go, saying that he is gentler than me.
I understand your desire, and finally, silently, let my hand go.

All these love songs are painful to hear, as if they pull at my wounds.
At night, I ruminate alone, waiting; my tears are quivering for you.

I want to go on, to prove that this isn't a game,
But I am resisted, why is it all redundant?
How do I face myself?

You walked into my life but you turned around and left.
Love isn't a game to play alone;
I will accept your decision.

[Chorus]:
I hope that in the future, you won't regret not choosing me,
And I trust that you'll have a better life.
I will silently hold on to you in my heart,
After all, we once did love so deeply.

I want to go on, to prove that this isn't a game,
But I am resisted, why is it all redundant?
How do I face myself?

You walked into my life but you turned around and left.
Love isn't a game to play alone;
I will accept your decision.

[Chorus]:
I hope that in the future, you won't regret not choosing me,
And I trust that you'll have a better life.
I will silently hold on to you in my heart,
After all, we once did love so deeply.

I hope that in the future, you won't regret not choosing me,
And I trust that you'll have a better life.
I will silently hold on to you in my heart,
After all, we once did love so deeply.

You insist in saying you want to go, saying that he is gentler than me.
I understood your desire, and finally, silently, let my hand go.

You got the person you wanted, but you know the person's is not 100% with you, would you want to move on in a relationship like this? Would you let the person you're holding on go finding the happiness you wish for them? You're only getting the shell of the person you love. It is devastating and disappointing to the core that whatever you do are unable to get the heart of the person you are holding on. It takes more than the shell of the person to be in a relationship.

Love is a very complicated experience. It takes strength, understanding, bravery and a whole of work to make it work. It will either work or break. The vulnerability of the heart is not easy to understand. You will feel you're being used, being fooled, being toyed and being dump like rubbish. There is never intention of anything of that to happen. You are not prepared for anything like that even you know how fragile the heart is.

You accepted fate that you're in love with that person anymore. But you know you will longed and missed that person deep down no matter how long it will take to heal or to forget that person you once loved, you once spend most your time with, the one that occupies most of your waking time and you mind.




歡子 - 得到你的人却得不到你的心
Huan zi - De dao ni de ren que de bu dao ni de xin


你迷人的眼神俘虏了我的心
nǐ mírén de yǎnshén fúlǔ le wǒ de xīn
我想没有什么东西比这更致命
wǒ xiǎng méiyǒu shénme dōngxi bǐ zhè gèng zhìmìng
我努力想结束这段迷失的感情
wǒ nǔlì xiǎng jiéshù zhè duàn míshī de gǎnqíng
可我发现没有勇气和你说再见
kě wǒ fāxiàn méiyǒu yǒngqì hé nǐ shuō zàijiàn
难到注定爱上你最后伤的是自己
nán dào zhùdìng àishang nǐ zuìhòu shāng de shì zìjǐ
难道注定这一切将是回忆
nándào zhùdìng zhè yīqiè jiāngshì huíyì
你的心不属于我为何和我在一起
nǐ de xīn bù shǔyú wǒ wèihé hé wǒ zài yīqǐ
是不是因为寂寞和空虚
shìbushì yīnwèi jìmò hé kōngxū

如果我得到你的人却得不到你的心
rúguǒ wǒ dédào nǐ de rén què débudào nǐ de xīn
就算得到全世界也不开心
jiùsuàn dédào quánshìjiè yě bù kāixīn
我想问一问你能否爱我一次
wǒ xiǎng wèn yī wèn nǐ néngfǒu ài wǒ yī cì
遗憾我并不是你唯一
yíhàn wǒ bìng bù shì nǐ wéiyī
如果我失去这一切能换来你的真心
rúguǒ wǒ shīqù zhè yīqiè néng huànlái nǐ de zhēnxīn
就算失去全世界也不伤心
jiùsuàn shīqù quánshìjiè yě bù shāngxīn
我以为人一起心就会在一起
wǒ yǐwéi rén yīqǐ xīn jiù huì zài yīqǐ
可怜我还一直为你钟情
kělián wǒ hái yīzhí wèi nǐ zhōngqíng

Repeat *

Repeat **

Repeat **

我以为人一起心就会在一起
wǒ yǐwéi rén yīqǐ xīn jiù huì zài yīqǐ
可怜我还一直为你钟情
kělián wǒ hái yīzhí wèi nǐ zhōngqíng

---

Translation

Your charming look capture my heart
I think there is nothing more deadly than this
I try hard to end this feeling of lost
But I can’t find the courage to say goodbye to you
Is destined to love you finally injure myself
Is all this destined to be recalled
Your heart does not belong to me why get together with me
Is it because of loneliness and emptiness

If I get your person but do not get your heart
Even if I get the whole world, don’t feel happy too
I would like to ask you can you love me once
Unfortunately I am not your only
If I lose it all to exchange with your sincerity
Even if I lose the whole world, don’t feel sad too
I think people together then the heart can be together
Pity me I am still loving you

I was once asked by a person "Who do you love? Who do you need? Who do you want?"
I am speechless at the question with a blank stare.

She then told me, you may love that person. But that may not be the person you need or want. That put me through a even blurred situation. There was a degree of truth to it. But you would always want the person you love to be the person you need and the same person you want in a relationship. The very same person to be in your life. The very same person to grow old with you. The same person to be holding you till the end of time.



Where will we be if I know the answers to them earlier. If I know how to handle them earlier. We wouldn't be as hurt as it is now. Emotions is playing with fire. Not only one person is hurt. Everyone gets hurt the same.

It had been messy.. very messy indeed. I have been very daft on handling things, emotions and feelings. I broke up with the one person who would be there for me irregardless of time and day.

Rhetoric action of him, pushing me to the other person and yet the blame is on me. I am to blame for all these. I was going behind his back to meet with the Ex. There is no valid reasoning and making sense of it for doing so. All I wanted was to get the Ex back on his own two feet. That was the initial idea I had. Although it is going to hurt him, but my intention is that. But since he pushed me to him... or he decided that for me. I really do not know how it got twisted.. I broke up with N to be with F. Then N was sick, I want to help and we ended up restarted. And I have to broke up with F. The decision making day was really difficult... 21st February 2019. The very day which changes everything. Our direction in life, our mission and perspective of life.

I hated how he sounded in the sarcastic messages.. "Is not that u have emotional issue now since u can go, go dating with other ppl and have a good time but I mati mati want to solve the issues for long term as I promised". The words of having a good time... is like how swords stab into the chest.  Nobody know how I have to train my brain to do that. How I am being happy and content with what I have while crying and wounded on the inside? How I wanted to be happy with N, without thinking of F at the back of my brain? How we hold hands and walk around while having him hanging at the back of my mind? There are many occasion I wanted to run to him at times and hug him and at times storm up to him and give him a hard slap. There was even urge that I wanted to drive to his house and wait for him and give him a piece of my mind. But I know I'll fail in all negotiation with him. The same case I had with N a year ago. On the second thought, did he passed by my house and saw me kissing N? If he did, he definitely did not drive his car.

I know I shouldn't see N behind his back. I am totally to be blamed for that. But I wanted to know what is wrong with N while F stupidly spit out the things he said that night. We doing stupid things at the wrong time. How could I abandon N while he is hanging for dear life while I continue holding on to F. I know he could help me with anything. Pushing me to do the best I could and he will be there to catch me and guide me if I bump into any difficulties. I know N could not do any of it for me, all he can do is be there for me when I needed a shoulder to cry and there to pamper me if I needed one.

Everything N can do, F can do with additional care and guidance. There is so much I have to let go to help N to recover. But I do not want to lead him on to marriage. But on second thought. I am not any younger. N could forgive my pass and accept me with open arms even after all the things I did. It is not easy to let go of F. If the second one can sabotage into the relationship. Choose the later one. But I'm doing all the opposite. I'm going back to the former. Which is actually unfair to both of them.