It had been messy.. very messy indeed. I have been very daft on handling things, emotions and feelings. I broke up with the one person who would be there for me irregardless of time and day.

Rhetoric action of him, pushing me to the other person and yet the blame is on me. I am to blame for all these. I was going behind his back to meet with the Ex. There is no valid reasoning and making sense of it for doing so. All I wanted was to get the Ex back on his own two feet. That was the initial idea I had. Although it is going to hurt him, but my intention is that. But since he pushed me to him... or he decided that for me. I really do not know how it got twisted.. I broke up with N to be with F. Then N was sick, I want to help and we ended up restarted. And I have to broke up with F. The decision making day was really difficult... 21st February 2019. The very day which changes everything. Our direction in life, our mission and perspective of life.

I hated how he sounded in the sarcastic messages.. "Is not that u have emotional issue now since u can go, go dating with other ppl and have a good time but I mati mati want to solve the issues for long term as I promised". The words of having a good time... is like how swords stab into the chest.  Nobody know how I have to train my brain to do that. How I am being happy and content with what I have while crying and wounded on the inside? How I wanted to be happy with N, without thinking of F at the back of my brain? How we hold hands and walk around while having him hanging at the back of my mind? There are many occasion I wanted to run to him at times and hug him and at times storm up to him and give him a hard slap. There was even urge that I wanted to drive to his house and wait for him and give him a piece of my mind. But I know I'll fail in all negotiation with him. The same case I had with N a year ago. On the second thought, did he passed by my house and saw me kissing N? If he did, he definitely did not drive his car.

I know I shouldn't see N behind his back. I am totally to be blamed for that. But I wanted to know what is wrong with N while F stupidly spit out the things he said that night. We doing stupid things at the wrong time. How could I abandon N while he is hanging for dear life while I continue holding on to F. I know he could help me with anything. Pushing me to do the best I could and he will be there to catch me and guide me if I bump into any difficulties. I know N could not do any of it for me, all he can do is be there for me when I needed a shoulder to cry and there to pamper me if I needed one.

Everything N can do, F can do with additional care and guidance. There is so much I have to let go to help N to recover. But I do not want to lead him on to marriage. But on second thought. I am not any younger. N could forgive my pass and accept me with open arms even after all the things I did. It is not easy to let go of F. If the second one can sabotage into the relationship. Choose the later one. But I'm doing all the opposite. I'm going back to the former. Which is actually unfair to both of them.